


Fear and Consequences

by JOBrien42



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode Related, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-22 18:37:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16603388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JOBrien42/pseuds/JOBrien42
Summary: Circumstances force Josh to make a choice about Donna.  Set post-NSF Thurmont and later, Post-Transitions.





	1. Fear

Josh read through the subject of the e-mail again. An urgent request from Human Resources for a meeting as soon as he was available, and inside it was the text for the fraternization rules for West Wing employees.

He knew he hadn’t broken them. He’d skirted them, maybe, flirting with her, the daily banter. But that was all in fun. C.J. and Toby did it all the time, and as Communications Director was nominally higher than Press Secretary in the hierarchy. Hell, Josh had flirted with C.J., it was part of the camaraderie they shared, even though she was more his big sister than a potential love interest.

The thought of sister floated through his head, leaving a dull ache in his heart.

But Toby wasn’t C.J.’s direct supervisor and neither was he. Donna was his. His employee, he mentally corrected himself. 

He thought of her, writing “SCARED” on the whiteboard before the operation. Feeling impotent. Offering what assurance he could while he was in a blind panic. Pulmonary embolism. Blood clot. Not her too. Please not her.

They were going to take her away from him. Someone had ratted him out, and they were going to take her away. He knew she was capable. The only thing holding her back was her lack of degree, and a reference from him - or Leo or even the President - would go a long way to moving her career along.

Away from him.

His chest tightened again.

No. He needed her. Couldn’t they see he needed her? They were a team! You can’t break up a winning team, it just didn’t make sense.

Of course, if she worked somewhere else, he could tell her how he felt. They could be together.

But she had Mr. Belfast rugged photojournalist. He couldn’t compete with that. The… the wanker. Colin wasn’t a gomer. He was dashing, intelligent, insightful - too damn insightful. Maybe he even deserved her. He’d come all the way from Gaza to be with her, after all. He was still there, and Josh had to go home. 

He was sure he should have stayed in Germany. Fought for her. Told her.

But what if she didn’t feel the same way? He hadn’t stopped for red lights to get to her, not that he remembered. He was on the first flight out. That had to count for something, right? 

Why was he headed back to Washington when she still needed him, for peace talks that weren’t going to go anywhere, just like every other time.

Because she had told him to go back to work, said she didn’t need him.

Kicked him out.

Kept Colin.

He rubbed his eyes. He was so tired. His back hurt from sleeping on chairs in her room and the damn plane seat. His chest ached. His right hand wandered under his suit coat to his incision scar. She’d have one of these now. More than one. And on her leg where they inserted the metal rod.

He was starting to feel queasy.

Even with all of that, seeing her there in the bed, bruised, with cuts, her lips chapped, she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

He looked at the e-mail again before slamming the laptop shut and stuffing it into his backpack under the seat in front of him.

He was going to lose her. He couldn’t lose her. Not now. Not when he was sure.

* * *

He came into the White House, presenting his credentials reflexively. He snuck in behind Carol and C.J., and allowed himself to take momentary comfort in his friend’s embrace. He mumbled an update about Donna, tried to keep his voice light and the pain out of it. He went and saw Leo, got his orders to head to Camp David and headed back to his office.

“Josh,” said Ginger, catching up with him, “I’ve been covering for Donna - trying to, anyway - and there’s like a thousand messages for her and thousand messages for you,”

He turned to the woman, and took the two stacks of pink hued paper. “She’s doing O.K., Ginger. Better. It’ll take a while, but she should be O.K., I mean, the doctors, they said she’d be O.K.” 

She had to be O.K.

Ginger looked relieved, but her eyes scanned his face intently. “I know you’re on your way out, but Human Resources has been calling for you every day - they need five minutes before you go.”

Josh stared at her, uncomprehending.

“I’m sorry, Josh, they were very insistent.”

He muttered his thanks and headed to Human Resources in a daze.

* * *

“Mr. Lyman?” called the friendly voice of the HR Director’s secretary, Lucille Anderson according to the badge around her neck. “Mr. Winters will see you now.”

He stepped into the office and looked the man behind the desk. Fifties, medium height, close cropped greying hair. Brown suit and tie. The enemy.

“Josh Lyman,” he introduced himself, offering his hand. Act professional. Be professional. Oh my god they’re going to take Donna away. 

“Larry Winters,” the man replied, giving Josh’s hand a perfunctory shake. “I know you’re very busy, so I’ll be as brief as possible.”

Josh nodded.

“We’ve received some complaints that you have been engaged in an improper relationship with you assistant, Ms. Donnatella Moss,” he began. “And there have been… enquiries… from the press.”

“Complaints from whom?” Josh demanded.

“They were made anonymously,” the man said, “but the questions from the press offered enough corroboration to raise suspicion.”

“But I haven’t-“

The man cut him off, looking down at a file in front of him. “May I ask where you’ve been for the last several days?”

“In Germany, but that’s not-“

“Mr. Lyman,” the man said, “You are in a position of great power and authority in the federal government. Your behavior towards your subordinates must be above reproach.”

“She was injured in a terrorist bombing!” he felt his voice pitch higher, “She nearly died!”

“And all the prayers of all the staff are with her, Mr. Lyman, but you are her direct supervisor.”

“She’s my friend! We’re not in any sort of relationship!”

“Nevertheless, the optics are-“

Josh was fed up, “You know, screw the optics. My behavior has been above approach here. My friend was critically injured. I went with Leo McGarry’s blessing. I … I wanted to be a comfort to my friend in tragedy… when I was shot - at Rosslyn - she was there for me every day. I need to be able to be there for her.”

“Mr. Lyman, you have to understand that you cannot be seen ministering to your assistant.”

“This is a load of crap! How can you expect me to sit by-”

“I’m afraid that I not only expect, but must also insist. If your behavior continues to cross the line of propriety, we will have to take steps. Ms. Moss will be reassigned to-“

“No!” he yelled, “I need her. I couldn’t do my job without her.”

“Then you must restrict your behavior to that which would be appropriate for a supervisor and his subordinate. Do I make myself clear?”

Josh’s shoulders sagged, “Yeah. Perfectly.”

* * *

He walked outside. He had a vague sense that he should have let them reassign Donna. She wanted more. She could do more. But he couldn’t. She may never be his - he didn’t dare think the word, and he couldn’t even figure out one that fit. But he needed her. Nearby. He could still let her do real work, let her be the deputy deputy chief of staff. She did so much anyway, so many responsibilities that Carol, Bonnie, Ginger or even Margaret weren’t given.

He realized that in his head, part of him thought of Donna as his Margaret. Margaret was stunningly intelligent too. Weird as all hell, but smart and organized, and she ran the Chief of Staff office like a Swiss clock. And before Margaret, Leo had Mrs. Entwistle, who had followed him from Cultico to the Department of Labor. The President had Mrs. Landingham forever. Brilliant women, like Donna. But Donna wanted more than they did. Was he doing something wrong, that he didn’t inspire the same loyalty from her that Leo or the President did from their assistants? 

But if he was the friend he claimed to be, he should be helping her. Setting her free. Out of his life. His chest constricted. He couldn’t breathe. He almost lost her. He couldn’t lose her. He had to keep her safe. With him. As her boss. As her friend. He could keep things from happening to her if she would just stay with him.

Everything would be OK if things went back to the way they were before CODELs and roadside bombs and IRA photojournalists and German hospitals. He would keep her safe.

He made it home, he wasn’t entirely sure how. Auto pilot. He found his anti-anxiety medicine and the shaking in his hands caused half the bottle to pour into his palm. He stared for a moment before returning the extras, and then taking the single dose. He stumbled into the bathroom, peeling off the suit he’d worn for so many days. He stood in the shower, the water sluicing away the dirt and grime and sweat, but not the fear and hopelessness that still gripped him.

He finished, dressed and packed quickly and headed to his car. Three times, he had to run back, to grab underwear and socks, some briefing books. The Xanax went in the bag on top.

He cursed at himself. He had a job to do. For Donna. So her suffering wasn’t needless. To prove Heathcliff on the Moor wrong. Or right. He’d said that the Palestinians knew they needed the U.S. to broker this. He thought of Donna’s e-mails, could feel her heartbreak. She’d read the briefings, she knew what to expect, and it had still broken her heart. 

And then it broke her leg and collapsed her lung and she was still in a hospital in Germany and Colin was there and he wasn’t and there was nothing he could do… 

He wasn’t even going to be there like she had been for him. She’d fallen in the hole, and he couldn’t jump down and help her out.

He could do this for her. He could do his best. He had to.

For her.


	2. Consequences

It had been a magical three days in Hawaii, and Donna knew Joshua Lyman too well for it to last. Reality was going to come crashing down soon enough. At least they’d had seventy-two hours of wonderful food, beautiful vistas, intoxicating smells (and drinks) and amazing sex. It was a dream come true, a dream she’d held buried in her heart for years, and she could tell by the look in his eyes that it was time to wake up.

Her leg had been acting up. It had been feeling better than it had in months, but the tour they’d taken earlier in the day had fatigued her more than she let on. They were making their way, hand in hand, across a rocky area when it finally gave out.

“Donna!” he exclaimed as she tumbled down, narrowly avoiding some jagged edges. He knelt down, to help her up. As he did, his eyes focused on the long scar running down her leg, bright white against her lightly tanned skin.

“Oh, Donna,” he said as he helped her to her feet.

She leaned over, her floppy hat skimming against his messy hair, and kissed him, “You don’t have to do this.”

“I can’t, Donna,” his voice broke, “I can’t pretend that things didn’t happen anymore. I can’t pretend I that I deserve-“

She sighed, “Deserve what?”

“You,” he said as he stopped, his head bowed. His hands, the fingers that had been intertwined with hers, fell to his side.

She tried not to roll your eyes. “I think I should get to voice an opinion on what I do and do not deserve.”

“I wasn’t there for you. I couldn’t - no, I could have. You needed me and I wasn’t there. How can I tell you what we’re going to be to each other when I failed you so completely? I told you I wasn’t going to take you for granted, and I did, and you left and it was my fault…” His voice trailed off, and she could see tears in his eyes.

Donna walked up to him and took his face in his hands, “I knew we’d have to do this at some point, I was just hoping we’d be back in Washington and we wouldn’t ruin our vacation. But before we do… this, I want you to know that I am here, with you, right now. And I don’t think we’d be here if we hadn’t gone through what we did. It was bad, yes. But it got us here.”

She gave him one quick kiss on the lips before stepping back, taking a deep breath and steeling herself.

“But I’m not going to lie to you, Josh.” she began, “Yes, I was angry with you. A year ago, I was struggling, and you were being more you than usual. I was hurting and I was dealing with the fact that a lowly assistant had lived when two Congressmen and Admiral Fitzwallace had died. I needed to do more, to be more, to somehow make up for that loss, and you seemed to be pretending that nothing had happened. I realized later you were trying, and it just didn’t seem good enough after all I’d done after Rosslyn. And then I got mad at myself for thinking you had the time to care for me like I cared for you, and then I got angry at you for not even making the attempt.”

He looked at her, flinching at her words, and she stifled the urge to stop.

“And then I got angrier, because when I went to HR to quit, Lucy told me about your meeting. You were told that you had to either keep our relationship professional or let me transfer and maybe be with me, and at the time it sure as hell looked like you’d chosen your job over me,” she said, her voice bitter. “You came all the way to Germany to be with me, and then I come back and you’re trying to act like nothing had changed between us, just to keep your stupid job.”

“You had Colin. I-“

“It’s funny. If you had just kept one damn meeting with me at the end there, I had it all planned out. I was going to kiss you senseless on my last day with you. To make sure you knew I felt the same thing you did. And then I could go grow professionally and you would still know I wasn’t leaving you, that you were always going to be important to me.”

As expected, regret washed over Josh’s face. “I knew you were leaving me. I felt if I-“

“If you ignored the problem, it would go away,” she finished for him. “Like it always had in the past. I’d hang around until you always managed to come up with your adorably sweet moments and I couldn’t stay mad at you. But this time, I did stay mad. This was my life, Josh! I thought I was important enough to you that you wouldn’t be such a goddamn child about it.” Donna took a few breaths to steady herself. “Listen, I knew you were feeling guilty about sending me to Gaza. I realize now that you were probably trying to keep me safe in your own misguided way. And when I put it together with the ridiculous fraternization rules, I saw this had been your way to try to hold on to me. And it sucked, Josh. You didn’t own me. It was immature and stupid and it hurt me.” 

Her voice was raised, and her words came tumbling out. “I went to Russell because I knew you wouldn’t. I had to get away from you. I had to see who I was without you.”

“And you were amazing,” Josh said sadly.

“Damn right I was,” she nodded, “And part of that was because of Will, but he didn’t have all that much to teach me. He just gave me room to soar. You may have taught me to fly, Josh, but I still had to leave the nest to do any good.”

He nodded once, slowly. 

“I’m glad Santos won in the end, Josh,” she said, “I really am. I know he’s a far better man than Bob Russell. But when I saw you with Santos I wanted more than anything to beat you. To see the campaign fold and watch you crawl back to D.C. in defeat - or even better, for you to swallow your pride and come work for Bingo Bob. I wanted to gloat, to rub your face in it. I was practically turning into Amy Gardner! And I was O.K. with that because at least she got to sleep with you.

“And then we lost at the convention and it hurt. You’d won. I’d learned so much, I’d done my best and you still won. I kept waiting for you to gloat. But you wouldn’t do that, just like you didn’t yell at me when I returned in the first Bartlet campaign. And I knew you were still mad at me for leaving - it was in your eyes every goddamn time you looked at me. And you never expressed it, never let it out. Do you know what it’s like to wait a whole year, knowing I had hurt you so deeply, not knowing when you would explode and hurt me back? I thought we might have it out in Iowa, when you stood outside my door…”

“You saw that?”

Donna ignored the question and continued, “And I figured maybe it would be when I came for the deputy job, but instead you gave me a line of crap and told me you missed me.” 

She stared him in the eyes, her unshed tears matching his own. “It wasn’t until Lou dragged us into the room that you came remotely near addressing it and even then we got cut short. I don’t want to leave this festering anymore, Josh. If you’re going to yell at me for leaving you, just get it over with!”

“I’m not-“ he said, “You didn’t leave me.”

“Yes I did!” she exclaimed, “I quit on you! You pissed me off and I quit.”

“I pushed you out. I let you down. I smothered you because I didn’t know what to do.”

“You don’t get to rewrite history to feed your guilt, Josh,” she said, “Of course you made it easier to leave, but it was still my choice. I walked out. And I did knowing how much it would hurt you.”

“But I-“

“No, Josh,” she retorted, “stop. Listen to me. Let me down off whatever pedestal you’ve put me on and be a human being for once. I left you. I did it because I needed to, but I did it in a way that I knew would hurt you. And,” she paused, her voice dropping low, “And I regret that. I don’t like that I hurt you. I can’t take it back, and it needed to happen, but I am sorry for the pain.”

“I deserved it,” he said. 

“No one deserves to be hurt, Josh, not by a friend. Not over a misunderstanding. But it happens. And it did,” she sighed heavily. “You did let me down. I needed you when I came back and you weren’t able to be there for me. I know you tried, but it wasn’t enough. I was still stagnant professionally and we were stagnant emotionally.”

“I’m so sorry,” he said, choking back a sob, “I never meant to hurt you.”

“Yeah, but you did.” He flinched again. “And I hurt you back. And I meant to. I said things meant to cause you pain, don’t you understand that? I’m not proud of it, but I did! And I can’t take those words back, Josh, we can only accept it and move on.”

“If I’d had any guts, we could’ve been together a year ago.”

Donna considered this. “No, we couldn’t,” she responded. “I wasn’t ready then. My grand plan to get a new job away from you and be with you romantically was a dumb fantasy. A desire to be coupled that robbed me of my sense of self and self worth, isn’t that what you said once? I would’ve just been the ‘and Donna’ of ‘Josh and Donna’. I needed to be my own individual person, not an ampersand.”

She reached across to him and took his hands in hers. “I needed to find who Donna Moss was, who she had become.”

“And… did you find her?”

“Yeah. It turns out she’s pretty amazing,” Donna laughed, “I’m proud of her.”

He managed a smile, “Me too.”

“It also turns out that she’s still crazy about Josh Lyman.”

“Even if he doesn’t deserve her?” Josh reached for banter and only found his own insecurity.

“It depends on the answer to one simple question,” she said. “Does he love her?”

“He does,” he answered, swallowing hard. “I do.”

“Then you deserve me.” She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him deeply.


	3. Pillow Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unabashed fluff.

It was some time past three in the morning when Donna rolled over and snuggled into Josh’s arms. Her hand idly stroked the scar along his chest, “So,” she began, “You tricked me earlier.”

“I didn’t,” Josh said with a yawn.

“You knew I was expecting today’s conversation,” she accused him. 

He kissed the top of her head, breathing in the jasmine scent of her shampoo. “I knew we needed to have a conversation at some point. It was a year in hell.”

“It was,” she said, “I was so worried you hated me.”

“I never could, Donna,” he answered her, “It hurt so much, but I couldn’t ever hate you, I knew why you had to go.”

She reached over to gently turn his face towards hers, “But you couldn’t trust me.”

“That was harder, yeah,” he agreed. “I wish… I wish I’d said yes when you came to me that day. But you asked about the deputy job…”

“You weren’t ready,” Donna acknowledged, her voice tinged with sadness. “I should have realized, especially not a job where we would be working side by side. I don’t think I was ready either, but I missed us so much. You were my best friend, and I wanted that back.”

“You caught me by surprise. I really thought you’d head back to the White House with Will.”

He could feel her shoulders shrug against him, “It would’ve felt like taking a step backwards.”

“C.J. would’ve found you something important. She could have used you.”

“Yes, but the Santos campaign needed me more,” she said, her voice resolute.

“We did,” he said, “so you ended up working for me anyway.”

Donna kissed his nose impulsively, “Yes, but coming home isn’t the same as never leaving.”

“No, it isn’t,” Josh said, leaning in to give her a quick kiss on her lips. “I meant every word today. Especially about how proud I am of you.”

“I know,” she said, “I could see it in your eyes.”

“I don’t think we win this without you.”

“It’s not like I was responsible for San Andreo,” she said. “And you managed to take an unknown member of the House and get the nomination over two Vice Presidents without me.”

“And it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was like running in sand, uphill. I kept stumbling. But it helped that I had the right person running. I think that’s the final lesson I have for you as your mentor - hitch yourself to someone you believe in.” 

Donna made a small contented sound and drew him closer, “I will definitely remember that from now on.”

They lay in silence for a few minutes, the moon shining down through the blinds.

“You said you meant every word.”

“I did.”

Donna propped herself up on one elbow, to look at him. “You said you didn’t deserve me.”

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“And you meant it?”

“Yeah,” he repeated. “Year from hell, remember? You didn’t say anything today that I hadn’t said to myself - and worse - since you left, but I needed to hear it from you. It hurt more, but -“

“I know.” Donna remembered how it perversely good it had felt to have him question her loyalty, to get it out in the open. It gave her the opportunity to show him later.

“Hey, I ‘m Jewish. We’ve got a bit of reputation about guilt.”

She gave him a light swat. “Well stop it.”

“I’m trying,” Josh said. “It’s hard. I hate that I hurt you.”

“Me too,” she said. “But we get better.”

“We do.”

They lay there, holding one another, softly dozing. 

“Hey,” Donna whispered, “did you ever figure out who reported you?”

“No,” Josh said sleepily. “Had a couple suspects. Never could prove anything, though.”

“Oh? Who?”

“Haffley and Hoynes,” he said.

“I can see Haffley,” she remarked. “He was so pissed at you over the shutdown.”

“And he knew we were a formidable team. Splitting us up definitely would’ve put me off my game. As we saw.”

Donna murmured her assent, noting there was no recrimination in Josh’s words, just an acknowledgement that she’d made him better. “O.K., I get that… but Hoynes?”

“He might’ve thought he could entice me to run the campaign if I could have you with me professionally and romantically.”

“Well, that’s stupid,” Donna laughed, “the last thing he needed was another sex scandal.” 

“I think there was a way to spin it as a positive,” he said. “You know the press has been sitting on stories about us since the first campaign, right?”

“C.J. warned me once or twice, usually when we were out drinking,” she nodded, “But there were only rumors.”

Josh said, “Yeah, I’m not sure, but after that Marriage Recognition stunt he pulled, I wouldn’t put anything past him. Personally, I think ‘staffers in love’ would’ve called attention to his own marital problems. Maybe he felt I would, I dunno, propose. The press surrounding a Washington wedding might be worth a few points in some markets.”

“Oh really,” she considering the thought. “Arrogant bastard.”

“Yeah.”

“Was he right?”

Josh opened his eyes to see Donna staring intently at him. “Well, I wasn’t going to work for him with or without you, so no.”

“I mean about you proposing,” she clarified, not breaking eye contact.

He leaned in and kissed her, “I think that if you let me stick around longer than three weeks, you’ll have your answer. I don't need anymore time; I know where I hope this is going. Because I do love you, Donnatella Moss, I have for a long time. And I hope this is something worth sticking around for.”

**Author's Note:**

> I can’t help but ship these two together (and I put the blame squarely on Janel Moloney & Bradley Whitford, with a side of Aaron Sorkin’s brilliance), but season 6 makes me crazy. I can’t see Josh leaving Donna to fend for herself without external pressure forcing the issue, and, frankly, after Gaza and Germany, I find it hard to accept he’d be as horrible and oblivious as we saw no matter who was pushing him. And if he was that bad - letting her suffer after everything she did for him after Rosslyn and in “Noël”, then it would ruin the pairing for me if I didn’t headcanon something. So this is me trying to give him motivation that might’ve led us to get what we saw on screen.


End file.
